5 Signs You Are Engaging in Toxic Empathy

I sat on my friend Sister Pam's patio couch in tears. I had had enough. For over an hour, I cried as I described my then-husband's constant silent treatments, the hostile energy that filled our home, the "emergency" loan that somehow ended up funding a luxury purchase, and the home renovations that felt like they would never end.

When I finally finished, she looked at me and said something that would forever change the way I viewed relationships.

"You are an enabler."

I looked at her in shock.

"But how am I enabling him?" I asked.

Sister Pam looked at me almost incredulously. "Ama, you gave him a large loan even though he was vague about what he needed the money for, and you still don't know how you're enabling him? No one does that."

She was right.

For years I thought I was simply being empathetic, supportive, forgiving, and understanding. I believed those were the qualities of a loving wife. Looking back, however, I wasn't practicing healthy empathy. I was practicing toxic empathy.

Toxic empathy is empathy that becomes unhealthy because it fails to integrate wisdom, boundaries, accountability, and reality. Empathy should explain behavior, not excuse it.

Empathy is one of the most beautiful human qualities we possess. It allows us to understand another person's pain, extend grace, and remain compassionate. But when empathy consistently comes at the expense of our own emotional, physical, financial, or psychological well-being, it ceases to be healthy. It becomes self-abandonment disguised as kindness.

These are five signs you may be engaging in toxic empathy.

1. You rush to help others before assessing your own capacity to help.

Many people, especially women, are taught that being helpful is synonymous with being loving. However, as the old adage reminds us, we must put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. Likewise, we should strive to pour from the overflow in our saucer, not from our cup itself. If you consistently rush to help others without first assessing your own physical, emotional, mental, and financial capacity, you may be engaging in toxic empathy. Healthy empathy begins with recognizing that caring for yourself is not selfish. It is what allows you to genuinely care for others.

2. You don't hold others accountable for their behavior.

Healthy relationships require safety, and there can be no lasting safety without accountability. When someone behaves in a hurtful or destructive way, accountability creates an opportunity for acknowledgment, repair, and change. Without it, harmful patterns often continue unchecked.

Many empathetic people avoid holding others accountable because they fear conflict or because they feel sorry for the other person's circumstances. However, compassion and accountability are not opposites. In fact, they belong together. If someone repeatedly mistreats you and you continually excuse the behavior without requiring responsibility or change, you may be engaging in toxic empathy.

3. You save the day so others never experience the natural consequences of their actions.

Life is one of our greatest teachers because actions naturally produce consequences. Many people grow precisely because they are forced to experience those consequences.

Unfortunately, highly empathetic people often interrupt that learning process. They pay the bills of someone who repeatedly overspends. They organize the life of someone who refuses to become organized. They continually solve problems that someone else created.

While these actions may appear loving, they often prevent capable adults from developing responsibility, resilience, and maturity. There are certainly situations where people genuinely need protection, particularly children and individuals who cannot care for themselves. However, repeatedly rescuing capable adults from the consequences of their own choices often delays the very growth they need. If you constantly feel compelled to save the day, you may be engaging in toxic empathy.

4. You make excuses for harmful behavior.

"They're exhausted." "They're under a lot of stress." "They experienced childhood trauma." "They struggle with anxiety or depression."

Some of these explanations may very well be true. However, explanations are not excuses.

Every adult is ultimately responsible for pursuing healing, managing their emotions, and treating others with dignity and respect. Understanding why someone behaves the way they do does not obligate you to tolerate behavior that harms you. You can have compassion for someone's pain while refusing to become another casualty of it.

If you find yourself constantly justifying behavior that repeatedly hurts you, you may be engaging in toxic empathy.

5. You confuse forgiveness with trust.

One of the greatest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it requires us to continue extending trust, access, affection, or emotional intimacy to someone who has repeatedly demonstrated that they are untrustworthy.

It does not.

Forgiveness is about releasing resentment and relinquishing the desire for the past to be different. Trust, however, is something entirely different. Trust must be earned through consistent patterns of trustworthy behavior over time.

You can forgive someone completely and still decide never to lend them money again. You can forgive someone and choose not to share your deepest vulnerabilities with them. You can forgive someone and decide they no longer have a place in your inner circle.

Forgiveness frees your heart. Trust protects your future.

If you continue extending trust to people who have repeatedly demonstrated that they are unworthy of it, you may be engaging in toxic empathy.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned in life is: Empathy should explain behavior, not excuse it. We can acknowledge someone's childhood wounds, trauma, mental health struggles, or fears while still expecting them to treat others with kindness, respect, and accountability. Healthy empathy does not require us to sacrifice ourselves. True compassion includes compassion for ourselves as well.

If you are a woman who is recovering from toxic empathy you are invited to join our support and mastermind groups as you elevate your life after abuse by going to soaringsistercircles.com.