From Victim Blaming to Victim Accountability: 5 Ways I Contributed to My Own Abuse

Night after night I would lay in bed in a fetal position with my arms crossed over my chest dreading the possibility of a tap on the shoulder to begin physical intimacy. Physical intimacy felt like a violation. How could I become physically close to this person when I literally could not even speak to him? I kept my conversations with him to a bare minimum of cordiality and triviality for fear that any comment would be wildly misinterpreted as criticism. Criticism would be considered disrespect. Disrespect would be punished with the silent treatment.

On average, I would get the silent treatment for two weeks, but the silent treatment once lasted nearly three months. Excruciating days, weeks, or months of complete silence and one-word replies with angry, vicious, and venomous energy being hurled in my direction. Psychologists have determined that the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, activates the same pain centers as physical abuse because it triggers the primal fear of being abandoned and cast out of the herd. But I did not need to read psychology books to know that I was miserable, hurting, anxious, scared, and lonely in my marriage.

But like any "good girl" with three ivy-league degrees, I went to work to fix the problem from the very beginning. My work included reading countless marriage books and blogs, participating in both couples and individual therapy, spending thousands on my individual reiki sessions and EMDR, and ultimately paying for a group wife coaching program. But nothing worked. The silent treatments continued.

When the silent treatment occurred on our 15th anniversary and I remembered that the first silent treatment was almost 15 years to the day during the honeymoon, something clicked inside of me. I had the epiphany that this behavior would never change. I had to change by leaving. Within six weeks I was out of the marital house with our kids.

As the fog cleared, I had to ask myself some serious questions. Why did I not leave earlier? How could I have tolerated such horror? If I wanted to break the cycle of abuse and take control of my life, I had to be radically honest, hold myself accountable, and recognize I had cause in the matter. Yes, I was partially responsible for my own abuse. These are five ways in which I contributed to the perpetuation of the abuse.

1. I Lacked Self-Prioritization

Every self-help guru discusses the need for self-love. I thought that I loved myself and had a fairly healthy self-esteem. However, my understanding of self-love was incomplete because it was not based on self-prioritization. I lacked self-prioritization and therefore did not make my sexual pleasure, emotional safety, physical integrity or mental wellbeing in the marriage my priority. Within four years of getting married we had two precious children and I further deprioritized myself and continued to tolerate maltreatment because I thought that I was doing it for the good of the family unit. I would later realize that my suffering served no one because it enabled bad behavior while psychologically normalizing abuse for my children. Moreover, according to modern psychologists, the best predictor of children's success is not whether a man is present in the home, but rather the emotional and psychological health of the mother.

Reflection for the Reader: I neglected to prioritize myself. Do you prioritize yourself?

2. I Made a False Idol of Marriage

In trying to be the "good girl" I made sure that I did not have children out of wedlock so that I would not succumb to the stereotype of being a single black mother. Instead, I clung to the hope of fulfilling the idealized vision of a two-parent home. On the surface, the mission looked like it had been accomplished. But in reality, the home was not happy. Marriage had become my false idol. Instead of firmly grasping the true God and obeying God's commands of self-stewardship and real stewardship over my children, I clung to the mirage of marriage until I realized that it would kill my mind, body, and soul. My death would serve no one, and especially not my kids, I had to cast the false idol out and leave the marriage.

Reflection for the Reader: Marriage was my false idol. Do you have any false idols that are keeping you in situations that do not serve you?

3. I Had a Narcissistic Sense of Responsibility

There were at least two instances in which I attempted to leave the marriage before I finally did and both times resulted in very serious incidents. I thought that I had to stay to prevent catastrophe. There are plenty of women who stay in miserable and or abusive marriages because they have well-founded fears of what their husbands might do or become if they were to leave. These concerns are serious and far from trivial. Precautions have to be taken! But the fact remains that we are not responsible for another adult's behavior, and we can't be held hostage because of fear concerning another adult's actions and choices. To do so, in my view, is to engage in narcissistic responsibility in which we play God by trying to control outcomes instead of taking control of our own actions and letting go and letting God with respect to other people's actions.

Reflection for the Reader: I was holding myself responsible for another adult's actions. Can you relate?

4. I Behaved Inauthentically

I was completely inauthentic in my marriage. I knew that I was miserable. I knew that I felt unsafe. But because I felt like I could not leave I simply pretended that everything was okay. How could I expect anyone to ever trust me and how could I trust myself when I was so good at pretending? If I had simply been radically honest surely my marriage would have ended sooner and the healing would have commenced earlier.

Reflection for the Reader: I was inauthentic in marriage. Is there any area of your life in which you are living a lie?

5. I Did Not Trust Myself

When I thought of abuse, I thought of the stereotype of a lower-class man getting drunk and beating up his wife. As I read more and learned more I expanded my definition of abuse to include verbal abuse. But what evidence is there of painful silence and vile stares? I did not think that the constant silent treatments that I was experiencing qualified as abuse. I knew that it felt like abuse. I knew that it was destroying my sense of self. But I belittled the horror of my own experience because I could find very little information which actually categorized it as a form of domestic violence nor could I produce any evidence. I did not trust myself and sought too much external validation instead of heeding my own truth. Had I really trusted my own understanding, I would have left my marriage earlier.

Reflection for the Reader: I neglected to trust my own perception of my situation to my detriment. Can you relate?

I did not know that the silent treatment was a form of abuse seventeen years ago and family and friends around me did not know this either. My understanding of my own prior ignorance allows me to practice self-compassion. So do I wholly blame myself, no. But I am holding myself accountable, yes. The trauma may not be my fault but the healing is my responsibility. I pray that all people who experience any form of abuse will engage in the self-reflection necessary to end the cycle of abuse. That is the only way that we can truly move forward both individually and collectively.

Ama K. Karikari, Esq. is the author of an empowerment workbook for mothers entitled Silenced to Soaring: Healing from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse. She is a transformational voice for mothers who leads Soaring Sister Circles.

If you are a target of domestic violence or dealing with mental issues please avail yourself of the following resources.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
The National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-6264
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255