Should I Get A Divorce? 5 Powerful Distinctions That Will Help You Decide

No one gets married to get divorced.

When we walk down that aisle in a gorgeous white dress or sharp tuxedo the dream is a loving and healthy marriage that stands the test of time. We imagine passionately sharing global adventures, mind blowing sex, caring companionship, gut-busting laughter, and partnership in spiritual, personal, and professional growth.

We go into the marriage knowing that it won't be all roses. Marriage is the blending of two lives, cultures, and households so we reasonably expect that there will be hard decisions, conflict, job losses, sickness, etc. That said, we challenge ourselves to work on the marriage because we made the vows for better or worse and so we are determined to persevere.

But what happens when the marriage becomes so taxing on your physical, emotional, and or spiritual health that you are beginning to strongly consider getting a divorce?

Here are five distinctions to ponder that might help you to make your decision.

1. Relationship issues vs. Abuse Issues

One major question to ask is whether the marriage is abusive. Marital relationship issues are distinct from issues of abuse. All marriages will have a certain degree of conflict. It is natural to face challenges when making decisions about housing, housekeeping, travel, children, friendships, family, sex, and more. However, in healthy marital relationships there is still a foundation of trust, respect, and safety despite the conflicts and the couple is able to converse respectfully about these issues. There is mutual regard for each individual's human dignity.

However, abusive marriages lack trust, respect, and safety. Instead, there is an atmosphere of domination, control, and manipulation. One partner engages in a campaign to intimidate the other. This intimidation may take many forms including physical aggression through bodily harm or harm to objects, sexual coercion, verbal criticism and belittling, emotional manipulation through the silent treatment or stonewalling, and or persistent neglect.

Unfortunately, abusers rarely change. According to Dr. Lundy Bancroft, only 2% of abusers change their behavior with treatment. Some people stay in abusive marriages because they believe in demonstrating unconditional love. But unconditional love for your spouse does not mean unconditional access to you at the cost of your mental, physical, emotional, and psychological health and safety.

Question: Are you having normal relationship issues or are you experiencing abuse?

2. Verbal Communication vs. Behavior Communication

I learned this distinction from author and mental health expert John Delony. There are multiple forms of communication. Two forms are verbal communication and behavior communication.

Verbal communication consists of words expressed or promises made. One spouse may profess unwavering love, care, concern, and the commitment to make the marriage work. But what happens when the behavior of that same spouse does not match those words? What happens when despite those words one spouse continues to engage in the same negative behaviors over and over again. The behavior is certainly communicating a lack of love, care, concern, or commitment.

When behavior communication does not match verbal communication, a spouse should make the decision of whether to stay or leave based on behavior communication. As the old adage says, actions speak louder than words.

Question: What is your spouse's behavior communication telling you?

3. Forgiveness vs. Trust

Many of us have been taught to forgive others for their trespasses. This advice has been extolled by religious experts, family members, friends, and personal development gurus. However, despite the popularity of the topic, there seems to be widespread confusion about what it means to forgive a person. I myself was confused about this for most of my life.

I used to think that to forgive someone meant that I had to "forget" that the transgression occurred, proceed as if the transgression never happened, and continue to give the offending party the same degree of access. That is false.

We might consider thinking of forgiveness the way we think about a debt. If your cousin Sandra borrowed $100 from you and promised to pay you back in one month but has failed to pay you back six months later, then you may choose to forgive the debt by never asking about it again. Forgiving the prior debt does not mean that you should trust your cousin again. Forgiveness is distinct from trust.

In order to regain trust your cousin would have to acknowledge that she failed to pay back the loan in the agreed amount of time. She would then have to atone for the transgression by potentially paying back the loan with healthy interest. Finally, she might repair the trust by putting systems in place to prevent non-payment or late payment again.

Similarly, if your spouse engages in a transgression, you may forgive him or her by releasing the pain and refraining from mentioning it over and over again. However, you would not trust them to not do it again unless there was a process of acknowledgement, atonement, and repair. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, a marriage can't thrive without it.

Question: Do you trust your spouse?

4. Patience vs. Stuckness

I got this distinction from a renowned relationship expert, Esther Perel. Patience is a virtue and it is noble to exercise patience in your marriage by observing your spouse's character, habits, words, and or behaviors. But if you have already observed and it is clear that your spouse's negative character, habits, words, patterns, and or behaviors are not changing then perhaps you are no longer patient, you are stuck. Stuckness is often characterized by the fear of the unknown. Many people will stay stuck in certain misery rather than leaving for potential joy.

Question: Are you patiently observing or are you stuck in certain misery due to the fear of uncertainty?

5. Staying for the Kids vs. Leaving for the Kids

Popular and conventional wisdom says that children are more likely to be successful if they are raised in a two-parent home. But there are multiple issues with this. First, in order for any parent to be attentive, attuned, and loving the parent must be in a healthy mental and emotional state. If your marriage is taking such a negative toll on you that you are unable to provide love and care to your children then you have a serious problem and you may want to consider leaving your marriage. Second, many psychologists such as Dr. Harville Hendrix have explained that children often subconsciously and unintentionally repeat the relationship patterns of their parents. Staying in a toxic relationship can create intergenerational patterns of toxicity. That said, at some point you may have to leave for the kids instead of staying for the kids.

Question: Would leaving your marriage create a better physical, psychological, and emotional environment for both you and your children?

Whether or not you should get a divorce is likely one of the hardest decisions that you will ever have to make. I hope that these distinctions will help you make a sound decision. These distinctions certainly helped me as I agonized over this dilemma for the totality of my fifteen-year marriage. But ultimately, I decided to leave, not because of cognitive analysis, but because of a spiritual knowing and undeniable feeling in my body that I had to leave to save my precious life. Your life and your health matter so choose wisely.

Ama K. Karikari, Esq. is author of an empowerment workbook for mothers entitled Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse. She also runs Sister Soaring Circles, online peer group coaching programs for women overcoming abuse to live their most empowered lives.

If your marital situation places you in danger, there is help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
The National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-6264
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255