Silence Can Be Violence: 5 Facts About the Silent Treatment

It is about time that we establish the silent treatment a tool of coercive control and a method of emotional abuse.

Many people are being abused in relationships and they don't even know it.

For fifteen years, I was in a marriage marked by the silent treatment. Like clockwork, every two months, I would endure about two weeks of cold, punishing silence. Sometimes it was triggered by something small. Sometimes I did not even know what I had done.

What I did know was how it felt. The air would shift. The warmth would disappear. The home would feel hostile, heavy, and unsafe.

Even though my body told me something was wrong, I found very little validation that what I was experiencing was abuse. Therapists often framed it as a communication issue. I was given tools like mirroring exercises. Online, most domestic violence resources focused on bruises, screaming matches, and visible harm.

But what happens when the harm is invisible? What happens when the weapon is silence?

Through my research and lived experience while writing Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse, I came to understand a truth that changed everything: Silence can be violence.

What Is the Silent Treatment?

In my work, I define the silent treatment as:

• An intentional withdrawal of communication and connection

• Silence paired with hostile energy

• Typically lasting longer than 24 hours

• Delivered without warning

• Used as punishment

• Followed by a refusal to meaningfully discuss or repair once it ends

This is not someone taking space. This is not emotional regulation. This is control.

5 Facts About the Silent Treatment

1. It is not a healthy cooling-off period

In healthy relationships, someone might say, "I need an hour to process. Let's come back and talk." There is clarity. There is intention. There is repair. The silent treatment offers none of that. It leaves you confused, anxious, and waiting, often for days, weeks, or months with no understanding of what is happening or when it will end.

2. It is not an involuntary shutdown

Sometimes people experience nervous system overwhelm and temporarily withdraw. But even then, they return. They communicate. They repair. The silent treatment is different. It is prolonged. It is deliberate. And it is maintained even when the person is capable of re-engaging.

3. It is a form of domestic violence and coercive control

Abuse is not just about hitting or yelling. It is about control. As Lundy Bancroft has explained, abuse is about gaining power through intimidation. If someone can train you to speak less, ask for less, and accept more through the threat of being iced out, they do not need to raise a hand. The goal has already been achieved. Domination without visible force is still domination.

4. It affects the brain like physical pain

Human beings are wired for connection. When that connection is abruptly and intentionally withdrawn, the brain interprets it as a threat. Research shows that social rejection and isolation activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. In other words, being repeatedly ignored and shut out is not just emotionally painful. It is neurologically painful.

5. It impacts everyone in the home, especially children

Children absorb the emotional climate of a home the way they breathe air. They may not understand what is happening, but they feel it. And more importantly, they learn from it. They learn whether love is safe. They learn how conflict is handled. They learn whether silence is a tool for control. A home marked by the silent treatment teaches lessons of intimidation, coercion, and emotional withdrawal, instead of safety, care, and connection.

If This Is Happening to You

If you are experiencing cycles of the silent treatment in your relationship, please take it seriously. Do not minimize it because there are no bruises. Do not dismiss your intuition because others do not understand. Create a safety plan. Reach out for support. Tell someone you trust.

You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for confidential support.

A Final Word

You are a precious human being. You deserve communication. You deserve clarity. You deserve warmth, care, and respect.

If you are ready to begin your healing journey, I invite you to explore Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse and join our Soaring Sister Circles, where women come together to process, rebuild, and rise.

Because what was meant to silence you was never meant to define you. It was meant to be the beginning of your soaring.

Ama K. Karikari, Esq. is author of an empowerment workbook for mothers entitled Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse. She also runs Sister Soaring Circles, online peer group coaching programs for women overcoming abuse to live their most empowered lives.