Why Black Women Normalize Emotional Neglect

When I told my then-husband I wanted a divorce, his reaction was severe and his relatives' reaction was swift. Relatives on his side came from far and wide, circling around us to understand what had gone so wrong. When I explained that I had endured months of the silent treatment, the kind of emotional abandonment that hollows you out from the inside, one in-law looked at me and said, "Is that all?" That moment crystallized something I had felt my entire life: many Black women are taught to normalize what should never be normal. Emotional neglect, emotional abandonment, and emotional abuse are dismissed as trivial because we have been conditioned to endure far worse.

From Accra to Arkansas, Detroit to Dakar, Black women are raised to be strong. We are told that our men face the weight of racism and structural oppression, so we must not add to their burden. We are told that being kind to men even in the face of wickedness is what good women do. In the U.S., our femininity is often questioned with our softness doubted, our vulnerability denied. Research from North Carolina State University shows that even among Black women, those with lighter skin tones receive lighter sentencing outcomes than darker-skinned women, revealing a layered form of dehumanization that reaches into how we're treated emotionally and socially.

Given this cultural conditioning, the silent treatment and other forms of emotional neglect often appear insignificant. Our relatives may ask, "Is he beating you? Has he stopped paying bills?" If the answers are no, the implication is clear: Then what is your problem?

But emotional neglect is a problem and it is a dangerous one. Physician and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Mate warns that nearly 80% of autoimmune diseases occur in women because women are conditioned to silence their emotional needs while taking on the emotional burdens of others. Black women suffer disproportionately; lupus rates are nearly three times higher among Black women, and chronic stress is a major driver. Trauma researcher Dr. Bessel van der Kolk teaches that "the body keeps the score", meaning emotional abandonment and chronic self-suppression manifest physically as inflammation, hypertension, fatigue, chronic pain, and immune dysfunction.

And yet, there is hope. Black women today are achieving extraordinary things academically, professionally, and creatively. We no longer need to inherit the emotional burdens of our foremothers. Breaking the cycle means naming emotional neglect for what it is, refusing to shrink for relational survival, and choosing healing even when others cannot understand. Personally, I did not finally leave the marriage until eleven years after that in-law asked, "Is that all?" It took me over a decade to choose me and to thereby choose my kids and to be able to even begin the process of healing that I outline in my book, Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse. That process included acknowledging the abuse, grieving the marriage that I had always wanted, confronting my past, harnessing resources in the present, and envisioning a brighter future. But if you are in a relationship where silence is used as punishment or your emotional needs are dismissed, seek help, get therapy, and leave if necessary. Your wellbeing is not optional. It is a birthright.

Ama K. Karikari, Esq. is author of an empowerment workbook for mothers entitled Silenced to Soaring: Heal from Chronic Silent Treatments, Toxic Relationships, and Abuse. She also runs Soaring Sister Circles, online peer group coaching programs for women overcoming abuse to live their most empowered lives. Learn more at amakkarikari.com.